10/01/2008

No pain, perhaps gain.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to acupuncture to treat my shoulders (and if my allergies happen to be cured at the same time, so be it). I know that I've mentioned that my shoulders hurt but haven't really gone into detail. Here are the details. I work as an administrative assistant, which means that I move a lot of data from databases to Excel, then make sense of that information. (Wait, isn't that called a data analyst? I'm being ripped off! Oh right, I only have a bachelor's degree. Nevermind). The point isn't what my work is. The point is that it involves me sitting at a computer for long periods of time, using a mouse.

About four months ago, my shoulders decided they couldn't take it anymore and seized up in pain. I've been going to physical therapy for about two months. She pushes my back ribs into place. It hurts. While the pain has gotten a lot better, the muscles are still stiff and sore by the end of each day.

So, the physical therapy has been working but I decided to go to acupuncture too for the muscle pain. When I went in yesterday, the acupuncturist (let's call her Jane) knew just where my pain lived, without me having to tell her. I told her what I did for a living and she knew what was up. It made me feel relieved.

This is a community acupuncture clinic, which means that you get your acupuncture in central room where other clients are as well as opposed to a private room. It's cheaper but you're a bit on display. So I was down to my wifebeater (a.k.a. butch bra) so that Jane could put needles in around my clavicles. The needles went in. She asked if I was cold but I wasn't.

"Ok, well if you get cold, catch my eye and I'll get you a blanket," Jane said. I said that wouldn't be a problem and then I got to relaxing. Or, at least, I tried to relax.

My body felt relaxed but my mind is such an asshole. While I'm reclining, I'm thinking things like, "If there is an earthquake, who will take out my needles?" or "is there any truth to the urban legend about a needle being left in and it traveling to your heart?". I mean, I want to relax but it just might not be who I am.

Then, I started to get cold. It felt like Jane would be coming around soon to take the needles out so I didn't call out for her to bring me a blanket. Plus, and I don't mean to be crude, but they're just nipples, ok? Everyone has them and when you get cold, they get hard. It's just science, people.

So I was a little self-conscious, even though there was only one other client in the room with me and they were a little distracted by being filled with needles too. "Breathe," I told myself, "listen to the bonging chimes. Nobody cares about your hard nipples. Jennifer Aniston smuggled gumballs in front of millions of viewers each week and she didn't care."


At one point, I could have sworn that I felt one of the needles near my clavicle fall out but I decided to just hold still and wait it out. Finally, Jane came and removed the needles. Before I got up, I smiled and said, "You got them all, right?" She was kind enough to smile and ignore me.

I walked home, as the clinic is really close to my house. I really did feel relaxed and my shoulders felt better, despite the fact that two spots really stung near my clavicle from where the needles were. So I got home and decided to check out the two spots and THE NEEDLES WERE STILL IN! My nipple-erections must have pulled my wifebeater up over the two of them, hiding them from Jane's view. Stupid, scientific nipples. I'm not going to tell you which clinic it was, because I don't want you to think it wasn't awesome, because it was. What's a few needles between friends, right?


1 comment:

leamail said...

wow. did you go back and return the needles? on the upside i guess it's cool you know that if there were an earthquake you could take the needles out yourself.

i'm supposed to be in sf right now! ..i took off today from work back in june.. for this vacation i'm having here today on my sofa.