For the ladies and the gents!

On Sunday, Gina, the wife and I headed out to Stern Grove for The Heated's first photo shoot with Gina. It had rained all weekend but luckily, by the time we arrived, the rain had downgraded to heavy fog. There are less terrible and hilarious shots this time. Most of that can be attributed to my wife being so prepared, bringing her laptop so that we could see photos full-sized to see what was and wasn't working. It's all about the people you surround yourself with. Also, since I've gone through this a few times now, I've learned how to hold my head and make my face look in order to avoid double chin-itis and hawk nosery. But here are the goofiest shots anyway, just for funsies.

Jenny said we could pose a little

We kind of posed a lot.

I titled this picture "eyebrows". No reason, really.


Dog ass!


Um. Whoa. Creeeepy.


Do-able.

Cheese

I don't photograph well. It's not an opinion. It's a fact supported with hard evidence. By studying a myriad of bad photos of myself, I've learned that I should tilt my head back a little. Otherwise, schnoz central. My nose doesn't look that big in real life but with the right lighting, it's schnoz-tastic. Plus, I get these weird neck wrinkles. Also, I shouldn't smile with my mouth open as my chompers are huge. Anyway, here are some of my favorite fuck-ups from the photo shoot along with one I feel came out particularly well. You'll hear more about what this photo shoot was for but the basic premise is that it might be on Etsy in reference to those tea towels.

It's like a four-year-old when you tell them to smile. I look so airbrushed too.



I'm not entirely positive what was going on here but clearly, that owl needs a good talking to. I'm telling him what's what.



Well, this one is kind of awesome. And extremely dorky.



Good lord.



What the hell? You might want to click this one just to see what's happening with my eyes. Classic Cristina.


This one, I like. We all deserve at least one good picture.

Doesn't photograph well

Pasted below is a new weapon in my marketing arsenal: press photos. The magnificent paintings behind me (I've been calling them Good and Squirrel vs. Blue Jay) are by an artist named Grant Olsen, who I believe lives in Boise. I tried to stalk Grant in order to find some type of website for him but all I found was an article in which he said he would use some grant money he was awarded for his art to visit the dentist so clearly, he's a man after my own heart.

It's taken forever to get a press photo that I actually like because I don't photograph well. I'm way hotter in real life or at least, that's what my wife tells me and by "tells me" I mean she nods her head when I say it. Seriously though, put me in front of a camera and I'm all gums, double chins and acne scars. Apparently the key is not smiling. I'm ugly when I smile is the lesson I've learned. Anyway, now I've got to print these suckers up and get them in an envelope. The press must know about The Heated.